Tom Cruise Jokes

Q: Why is Tom Cruise so upset?
A: Because he is Holmes-less

Q: What do people want to know about the Tomkat divorce settlement?
A: Did Tom let Katie keep the cage?

Q: Why is Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise?
A: Apprently he'd been in A Few Good Men.

Q: Why should you watch the morning show "View" with Barbara walters and Elizabeth Hasselbeck?
A: Tom Cruise is going to be a guest. Instead of the couch, Tom is going to use her stomach as a trampoline!

Q: How long did Katie kiss Tom during their wedding?
A: Apparently long enough to get the gay out of him!

Q: Why is it good that TomKat are not having a proper "Catholic wedding?
A: Katie is a fornicating whore who had a baby out of wedlock, and Tom is a suspected sodomite.

Q: Why did Tom Cruise wear a satellite dish on his head during his wedding with Katie Holmes?
A: To get better reception of the signals from the aliens!

Q: Why did Katie Holmes stop pretending to be in love and divorce Tom Cruise?
A: Because it was 'Mission: Impossible.

Q: What was Katie Holmes reportedly screaming during divorce proceedings with Tom Cruise?
A: "Show me the money!"

Q: What do you call the Tom Cruise movie about cooking?
A: A Few Good Menus.

Q: What is it called when Tom Cruise has a boner?
A: Holly-wood.

Q: Why shouldn't Tom Cruise remarry?
A: Because marriage is a Risky Business.

Q: What do you call the Tom Cruise movie about ice cream?
A: Ben & Jerry Maguire.

Q: Why is Tom Cruise still upset after finalizing his divorce with Katie Holmes?
A: He still hasn't gotten over the death of Goose.

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper.

Q: Why did Anderson Cooper come out of the closet?
A: To let Tom Cruise know he has options now that he's divorcing.

Q: Why did People Magazine turn down Tom Cruise's offer to sell pictures of his infant daughter Suri?
A: The editor said "We'd pay 5 million for pictures of Suri's conception, but Tom Cruise isn't in them."

Q: Why did Astronomers say Pluto is no longer a planet?
A: They didn't want to be outdone by Paramount Pictures claim that Tom Cruise is no longer a star!

Q: Why did Tom Cruise quickly finalize his divorce with Katie Holmes?
A: He realized she still wasn't over Dawson.

Q: Why is Tom Cruise going on Oprah?
A: With Reverend Jeremiah Wright in the news, he feels the need to defend his title of "Craziest Mother Fucker in America". 

Q: What's the strangest sexual act that Nicole Kidman has performed in her long life?
A: Marrying Tom Cruise!

Q: How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None: the lightbulb must find
80,000 dollars to become clear, then it will have the selfdeterminism to change itself.
A2: One to unscrew the lightbulb, and six to hold the universe still so it doesn't turn round with the bulb.
A3: Two: one to hold each wire, and the other to ask questions of the first until the bulb lights up.

Statement: Tom Cruise told Time Magazine he hated people until he found Scientology.
Punchline: Now people hate Tom Cruise!

Q: Why is Tom Cruise getting fit with intense Pilates sessions?
A: Pilates, is a young supple Greek cabana boy!

Q: Why didn't Tom Cruise want Katie Holmes to be in another Batman film?
A: Because Batman is not a Scientologist... he is a Reform Jew that drives around in a batmobile instead of a spaceship.

Q: Why did Tom Cruise check into a clinic for mental depression?
A: He read an U.S Study about taller people being happier on average than shorter people!

Q: Why did Tom Cruise go on Oprah after Reverend Jeremiah Wright (Obama's pastor) held a press conference?
A: Because Tom wanted to defend his title of "Craziest Mutha Fucka in America"!

Q: Why did Katie Holmes call 911 asking for help?
A: Because she knocked out her "bodyguards", escaped her house/prison, and thought Tom couldn't see her!

Statement: According to the church of Scientology, Tom Cruise is the "authority on the mind"
Punchline: In related news, Weight Watchers stated Queen Latifah is the "authority of food"

Q: Why won't Tom Cruise let Suri or Katie Holmes have a cat?
A: He's not a big fan of pussy!

Q: What is the name of the new Tom Cruise high-tech, eco thriller?
A: Mission Compostable.

Statement: Tom Cruise personally apologized to Brooke Shields in regards to his comments about anti-depressants.
Punchline: Cruise also plans to personally apologize for War Of The Worlds, Mission Impossible III, & Lions for Lambs!

I heard Tom Cruise has bad breath.
He could use A Few Good Mints.

Late Night Jokes

Katie holmes has divorced Tom Cruise. I didn't think Rock of Ages was THAT bad.
Jay Leno (July 9, 2012)

It's so hot that Katie Holmes demanded custody of the air conditioner.
David Letterman (July 9, 2012)

Actual Tom Cruise Quotes

"[Women] smell good. They look pretty. I love women. I do."

"I can be a quite excitable person."

"When you look at life, it could be a lot better. It's not good enough for me to just do well."

"I look at those people and I say, 'Bring it. I'm a Scientologist, man. What do you want to know?' I don't mind answering questions."

"Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period."

"When you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that."

"The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it."

"Here is a woman - and I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is incredibly talented - (but) you look at where has her career gone?"

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