Miscellaneous Celebrity Jokes

Q:Why did John Lennon get shot?
A:Because Yoko ducked.

Q: Why didn't the metro bus driver let G-Unit on the bus?
A: Because they didn't have 50 cent with them

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q: Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres died?
A: They found her face down in Ricki Lake.

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q: What is Mick Jagger's favorite drink?
A: A Mickshake!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q: What was Ted Bundy's favorite group dance?
A: "The Electric Slide"!

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q: What happened when James Blunt fell into a pencil sharpener?
A: He became James Sharp.

Q: What is a preacher's favoriate song?
A: Livin' on a prayer by Bon Jovi.

What does Will Smith leave behind after Committing a crime?
Fresh Prints.

Q: What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.

Q: What do call it when Eric Clapton hits your car with his guitar?

Q: How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
A:They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

Q: What is Macaulay Culkin's favorite salad dressing?
A: Neverland ranch.

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: Christopher Walken

Q: What is Bruce Lee's favorite hotel?
A: Hyatt (hi yat!)

Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Two more bullets.

Q: What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last great hit was the wall.

Q: How do you know Michael Jackson's on a date?
A: There's a power wheels parked outside of his house.

Q: What has three teeth and 60 feet?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert

Q: How did Dr. Dre meet Eminem and 50 cent?
A: Dr. Dre bought M&Ms for 50 cents...

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!

Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader

Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A. By putting a plunger in the toilet.

Q. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog?
A. Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.

Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
A. "Not according to Dad."

Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!

Q. What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A. One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.

Q. When will there be a woman in the White House?
A. When Hillary leaves town.

Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
A. The runway.

Q. What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?
A. Ocean Spray.

Q. How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly?
A. He took a crash course.

Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
A. One more mishap!

Q. Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
A. Their motto is "Your luggage will arrive before you do!"

Q: What did Diana Ross eat for dinner?
A: Taco supremes

Q: How long does Lionel Richie sit on the toilet?
A: All Night Long.

Q: What do you call Lionel Richie with a biscuit on his head?
A: Lionel Richtea

Q: Who is a penguin's favourite pop star?
A: Seal

Q: Whats Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas?
A: A smaller turkey...

Q: What's the difference between Lawrence Welk's Orchestra and a bull?
A: On a bull the horns are in the front and the arsehole's in the back. 

Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog.

Q. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?
A. Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

Q. Why didn't JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane?
A. They figured they would wash up on shore!

Q. What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A. A thank you from Santa!

Q. What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?
A. A blind date.

Q. Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?
A. Neither did she.

Q. What's brown and half eaten?
A. The Queen Mothers Easter egg.

Q. What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
A. Did I beat David Blaine?

Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.

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