Hillary Clinton Jokes

Who are cats going to vote for in November?
Hillary Kitten.

Why won't Hillary let her campaign staffers exercise?
She doesn't want them to "Feel The Bern".

Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?
Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.

Why should conservatives vote for Hillary?
Because a woman's place is in the (White) House.

Would the Clintons ever vote for Trump?
Not even if they were Hill-Billys.

Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail 

Why shouldn't Republicans worry about losing in 2016?
Apparently depression is covered by Obamacare.

What do you call a Iowan who hates Hillary?
A CORNservative.

Have you heard about the new app Hillary Clinton is working on?
It's called "Pokemon Go To The Polls".

What was Hillary Clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.

How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Republicans: "Hillary won't win without blacks, Hispanics, gays or Jews."
Democrats: "Or as we like to call them: Americans"

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
She wants to be the first lady.

If Hillary Clinton has a mandate to do anything, it's to raise Donald Trump's taxes

What do Monica and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
They both blew it.

Hillary: "Snoop, can I count on your vote?"
Snoop: "Fo Shizzle My Hizzle"

Why did Hilary make a wall of her emails?
Because republicans still can't get over them.

Why did Bill Clinton quit the saxophone?
So he could play that Hoarmonica

Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Hilary Clinton introduced?
Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff.

Why can't you email Hillary Clinton?
Because she'll delete it.

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

Now we know why Bill had the affair with Monica?
Hillary only blows elections.

Did you see the Jim Carrey movie about the Benghazi Hearings?
It's called "Liar Liar Pantsuit on Fire".

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a plane.
The plane crashed. Who survived?

What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." 

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her. 

What movie does Hillary watch when she's in a bad mood?
Kill Bill.

Did you hear about Hillary getting pneumonia?
Apparently, she was hacking it up more than Russia.

What is Hillary Clinton's favorite pizza?
Little Seizures.

What decision do Americans have to make in November?
A "Crooked Dick" or a "Crooked Chick".

Why is Hillary now a F?
Because she deleted the emale.

Did you hear about the Democratic Primary?
The DNC helped Hillary Kitten catch Birdie Sanders.

What does Hillary say under oath?
"I swear to tell a lie, the whole lie, and nothing but the lie."

A mothers "Love Trumps Hate".

If Hillary Clinton can stand by her man, so can you.

If you ever wanted to know what Hillary Clinton was like as a child, watch Lyanna Mormont.

A recent study argues that beets, all purpose flour, and cheese may hinder one's sex drive. This may explain why these are the only foods Hillary Clinton permit Bill eat.

The democrats have nominated a woman to be president, let's just hope she isn't over the Hill.

A thief, a liar, and a cheater walk into a bar. the bartender says "good evening Mrs Clinton"

OUCH = "Obama using Crooked Hillary"
Pronunciation: /au ooh ch/
Definition: "expression of intense pain"

Late Night Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'"
Jimmy Fallon

"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'"
David Letterman

"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote."
Seth Meyers

"A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years."
Seth Meyers

"A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary's recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination."
Conan O'Brien

"A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age."
Seth Meyers

"We saw what a mess this race has become, and also how lucky the two nominees are, because whats now clear is that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are running against the only person they can possibly beat."
Trevor Noah

Presidential Power
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."

Bathroom Confession
The Benghazi hearings and Emailgate scandal in full thrust, the trial atmosphere had taken on a decidedly severe tone. Exhausted, Hillary asked for a short break to run to the loo. Once inside, she was approached by a female investigative reporter.
"Thats a tough crowd out there", she said, attempting to cozy up to the beleaguered candidate.
"Listen, I have the inside line on an issue the new wave feminazis are aching to get at. They say it will give you the boost you need to get in touch with the young generation and be done with Sanders once and for all. Off the record, will you let us just know one thing for our blog?"
Sensing an opportunity for some hip, under-the-radar publicity she assented, breaking with her stance of guardedness towards the media.
"Have you ever given a blow-job?", the reporter whispered.
Shocked, she reached down into her bag of snappy one-line answers, paused a moment, then replied dryly, "Yes, but I didn't swallow".

Native Americans
Hillary Clinton was addressing a group of American Indians in New York telling them all she did as senator and all she plans to do for them as President.
At the end of the meeting the chief gave her a plaque with her honorary indian name, Walking Eagle.
After she left someone asked the chief if there is any meaning to that name.
He said "A walking Eagle is a bird that is so full of crap, it can not fly."

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