Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!
I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!
My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.
My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can? All I need is two hands.
My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.
My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.
I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.
My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "Im gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!
I think my daughter secretly love's star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.
My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.
My son's bedroom is filled with beer bottles. I'm so glad he decided to start recycling!
I think my son's friend wants to fix up my car...He told me he'd give me the best rim job ever.
My son just went out to buy new "rubbers"... We used to call them "erasers" when I was in school.
My daughter is always talking about getting the D...She better pull her grades up or she will be grounded.
My son said he wants to be a drug dealer...I think he meant pharmacist though! Cute kid.
I found used condoms in the trash ... they probably just ran out of water balloons.
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
My son's friends always talk about how they'd love to run a train with me. I'm not sure why they think I know anything about locomotives.
My daughter sent a text to her boyfriend saying that she wants a big cock for her birthday…Why would she want a pet rooster?
My son wants to be a pilot he's always talking about getting high.
I always hear my son on the phone saying "Can I hit that?". I really have to sit down with him and talk about domestic violence.
My daughter's Spanish tutor really wants her to pass his class...She's been in her room with him shouting "Me Gusta!" all afternoon.
My daughter taught me that new dance called "twerking". My son's black friends love when I do it for them.
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
Im so popular ... All the neighborhood boys bought me yoga pants for christmas
My sons friends all must have lisps because they always ask me for a glass of Milf.
My kids were talking about the Adele song Rolling a Joint and I corrected them. It's Rolling in the deep.
I think my daughter wants to be a policewoman when she gets older ... She has a pair of handcuffs under her bed.
My daughter must have a Biology project cause I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom.
My son's black friend asked me if I could handle his "long pipe"...I was more than happy to give him my plumber's number.
My son got in trouble for telling his teacher he wants a hand job...But why? I think it's wonderful he wants to be more hands on at school.
I heard my husband telling his friend that he rammed his secretary. I better check the car insurance to see if they will pay for her car!
My daughter and her boyfriend are cute sleeping in the bed together, I wonder what they're dreaming about with all the yelling and movement!