Turtle Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a flu shot?
A: a slow-poke.

Q: What do turtles use to communicate?
A: A shellphone!

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station!

Q: What does a turtle do on it's birthday?
A: It shellebrates!

Q: What kind of photos does a turtle take?
A: Shellfies.

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?
A: A 6-foot turtle.

Q: What happens when you bring a turtle to a party?
A: It becomes a shellebration.

Q: What did the cow say to the turtle?
A: Get a moove on

Q: What do you call a famous turtle?
A: A shellebrity.

Q: What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A: You get shell shocked.

Q: What do you call a turtle that shits a lot?
A: a turdle

Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?
A: Shell-arious ones!

Q: What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Giraffe?
A: A Turtle-Neck

Q: What does a turtle do during winter?
A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

Q: What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A: a turtle disaster.

Q: What happens when your kids want to buy a tortoise?
A: You shell out a lot of money.

Q: What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
A: A shellmet.

Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A: A slow poke.

Q: What do you call a sea turtle that flies?
A: A shell-icopter!

Money comes like a turtle and goes like a rabbit.

If a turtle loses it's shell is it naked or homeless?

Some turtles possess the ability to absorb oxygen directly from the water in which they swim.

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a turtle walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the turtle's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the turtle. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet turtle walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my turtle."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the turtle falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a turtle."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a turtle sitting next to him.
"Are you a turtle?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The turtle replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a large tortoise in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that turtle?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the turtle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that turtle to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

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