Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?
Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper!
What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
A grasshopper with hiccups!
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
What is a grasshopper?
An insect on a pogo stick!
What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
What is a grasshoppers favorite sport?
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey we have a drink named after you."
The surpised grasshopper says "You have a drink named Shaun?"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a grasshopper walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the grasshopper's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the grasshopper. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Nasty Little Boy
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said,
"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy.
"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my grasshopper."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a grasshopper."
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him.
"Are you a grasshopper?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The grasshopper replied, "Well, I liked the book."